Valentine's Day: The Ugly Truth

Ah, it's Valentine's Day. The sweet aroma of roses and lonely desperation fill the air. It's a day that began in America with a woman named Esther Howland, the woman who produced the first commercial American valentines in the 1840s, sold $5,000 in cards during her first year of business. Ever since, the valentine's day business has boomed in America. Once again, losing the humanity of another celebratory day behind commercialism. Though, there is some things that are better left forgotten.

In the Roman Catholic sense, St. Valentine was an early priest. During times of mass war, the Romans decided that loveless soldiers were best, so they banned marriage for young soldiers. However, St. Valentine held secret marriages to all, exemplifying the spirit of true love. However, there is an old Greek myth that haunts this spirit of love. This myth, is the being known as Cupid.

In Greek times, Cupid was the God of Love. His mother, Venus, fell deeply in envy of a mortal name Psyche. In her jealousy, she asked Cupid to go steal some one Psyche's beauty, but Cupid feel in love. Venus did whatever she could to ruin this bond, for it was blaspheme for a God to be with a Human. This eventually lead to the "deathly slumber" of Psyche.

Now, Cupid haunts among us. This mischievous chubby cherub flies around arbitrarily messing with innocent humans shooting his “love-poisoned” arrows into anyone who catches his eye. He's the reason for those few years of both utter confusion, and unsettling hygiene, that plagued my early teens. A less informed journalist would just chalk this up to puberty, but now I know better.

So, do is true love free will? Is Cupid the reason for an all time high American divorce rate of 50%? I had to take to the streets of Albany to raise awareness about the hallmark hellboy known as Cupid.

Talking to a group of girls from SDT, a university sorority, it's apparent that I am not the only who sees the evil behind this deceitful day. One has even bitter enough to say that "being single on valentine's day is like being jewish on christmas." Utter despair. They began to go on to explain that their loss of faith in love is a lot to do with past relationships. Whether it was "being completely ignored until he was done with me," or "being cheated on with my best friend," it was clear that love had failed them. From experience, I know that girls like these usually are the smartest ones when it comes to picking a good guy, so this must be proof of Cupid's evils.

Moving on to the podium, I stop a couple to ask how their day was going. "Are you aware that there is a Greek Mythological Creature that has poisoned you into believing you love the man next to you?" I asked. With a crooked, effortless smile she said "I think love occurs in the places that we'd never think of looking." Hm, touché Cupid. After a in-depth debate in which I tried to politely explain that deception is the only logical reason a woman would be dating a man whose got more peircings than she had, I was shut down. Cupid clearly had them in his chokehold.

So, what is to be done. If cupid is the underlying evil behind making people fall in love, then he must be the reason we fall in hate. If this beefy baby is caught, history is going to have to be re-written. Newt Gingrich will become the true 40 year old virgin, and the princess will most certainly not kiss the frog. Love is blind indeed, blind as a bat.

Bradying: The New Tebowing

This year, the NFL has seen an influx in viral victory poses. The popularity of Tebow's "Tebowing", a pose i which he gets on one knee in an act of prayer, took to the internet like wildfire, but has since lost its luster considering the Denver Broncos did not make the playoffs. However, Mr. Tebow's post game jesus talk may just have been matched.

If you're a patriots fan, you know what I'm referring to. During the superbowl on sunday, Tom Brady was all alone as his team, the New England Patriots, was utterly abused by an enthusiastic New York Giants Defense. Under the depressing realization that his championship was once again slipping through his fingers, he began to collapse. This is what has inspired the new fad: Bradying.

Bradying’ as defined by Busted Coverage: the act of being in the seated position, shoulders

at 80-degree angle with the head slouching as if just dropped another catch and you can’t play

wide receiver, too. Right hand in a fist while left hand acts as the Chipotle burrito shell. Feet

perfectly at 90-degree angle. Forearms on thighs.

The Tables Have Turned, New York

the NY football giants, the NY hockey rangers, the NY yankees. NY's notorious best at their own sports, so what the fuck is going on this year? the giants are having a mediocre year at best while the jets are getting recognition as antop superbowl contender. the rangers trail towards last in their division while the islanders top the atlantic, knocking off toronto's win streak last night. even the yankees seem to be getting dominated in playoffs that they normally slip past but don't worry, the mets still suck. so what's going on? did joe namath ejaculate into the jets water supply, providing them with the mojo to something other than cause a substantially large jet's fan suicide rate each year? the fearless rex ryan's new attitude has brought them to new heights, and new weights, so I guess there is credit to be given there. but what about the islanders? as an islander's fan, I can't say I'm complaining, but the only time people usually buy islanders tickets are for a children's birthday or foreign relative's visit (particularly one that doesn't know good hockey.) Even the NJ basketball nets near the top of their division while the knicks trail behind, but their competition is like two of the most unfortunate of children fighting to win the special olympics.

Easter Funday

Easter is a day of family, food, and the always entertaining easter egg scavenger hunt, claiming the attention spans of small children since the 1700's. It is the day us christians celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ, three days after his crucifixion, and the forgiveness of Jesus Christ, three weeks after us irish have broken our Lent promises to him on St. Patty's Day.

All in all, it is a day that we are all brought together. It is also a day that everyone of all ages will have a monday morning hangover, whether it be from the wine or the ridiculous sugar consumption.

However, aside from all the family fun and culinary festivities, there's a part of me that isn't quite comfortable with the whole Easter idea. I don't know, I guess I just can't grasp the fact that there is a rapid animal defecating colorfully in all my house's best hiding places. I don't care if he's a Jesus bunny, I have a Satan dog that shits frequently enough.

Though, i love being christian. Unlike most mainstream religions, it's the only one that allows us to eat unhealthy amounts of food rather than fast. For that, I love you Jesus, but when i go to Heaven I'm sneaking up a family of rabbits and letting them urinate on the walls, just to see how he likes it.

p.s. I'm going to hell...

The all new, awe-inspiring iPad!

Ok, everyone has been going on about the latest is Apple super-technology so I figured I had to. First off, does anyone really understand what's different about it? When i heard the name "iPad" I though wow, Steve Jobs is now using his technology to help people with uncontrollable bladders, what the hell is he going to come up with next! I was sadly mistaken though.

The new iPad isn't actually a revolutionary way to prevent bed-wetting, but in a fact a product for the people who begged for an obnoxiously bigger iPhone that just couldn't make phone calls. It's brilliant!

I was watching a guided tour on this new gadget and it said that this was a great product because "it adapts to how you want to use it." Though, it turns off when upside down, so I don't know how me and Batman would continue our Facebook poke wars hanging by our feet from the ceiling like us Superhero bats usually do.

It also says that it makes the web more "intimate and fun," so to all you computer spouses that have been having relationship problems with your internet, I introduce you to the iPad, the first ever technological viagra! Making your web-browsing a more pleasurable experience one obsessive computer nerd at a time.

Honestly, I don't know what to think of this new product. It looks like an Apple employee was manufacturing a laptop and in the midst said, "fuck it, I was going to get fired this week anyway, what's the point. " Maybe I'm wrong, but this is an idea that truly does seem pointless.